Week 30: Day 6 ~ Jeans & Meltdowns

So, yeah....I need to go shopping. Today was the coldest day we've had so far, probably dipped into the 40's, and brrr it felt cold outside!! I have been living in shorts & skirts since they all still fit me really comfortably. Since it's been getting colder I've been ALL about cozy yoga-type velour pants but today we had to go to our church rehearsal, and the last time I wore my 2 remaining pairs of pants that fit, they were just too tight for comfort under my belly when I sat down. So I tried to get creative today and wore a pair of denim stretch capris with long cozy fur boots - and it worked OK but they're starting to slip down in the rear due to no waistline...aargh! Sometimes clothes are fun (when you're shopping with money!) but sometimes they can be so annoying. I think for me, it's because I rush & rush to get the kids ready & out the door on time and then oh no.....I don't have anything suitable to wear.

I was thinking today that, sometimes I wish I didn't know what I do about food. I wish I could just eat like normal people do, and not have to feel all weird. I think being raw for this long, my body has adapted to this way and if I were to eat normal food on a regular basis, I would feel pretty awful. Maybe not like on my deathbed or anything, but just that feeling of not very much energy, about-to-get-a-cold kind of feeling. They served corndogs, potato chips, chocolate chip cookies, meat/cheese sandwiches, coffee crumble cake. I didn't eat any, but I was tempted to - it all looks so delicious for some reason, as I sit there sipping my gross looking green drink.

On the way home from church I had all these thoughts of making pasta, of eating something sweet - I was hungry by the time I got home, even though I did have bananas in the car just in case I got too hungry. What I did to distract myself from thinking about that kind of stuff, was think about what I WAS going to eat. I still have the fixings for the best burritos ever - including the veggie wrap, refried beans, salsa, guacamole, shredded lettuce, hot sauce, and sour cream. All raw, of course. So I made myself a huge one which made me pretty full. Then, you know that feeling you get when you've eaten a big meal and you still want something sweet? So to satisfy that, I made my chocolate coconut pudding and ate half the bowl - it was so so good. Then, I wanted something salty so I ate a couple of raw greek olives which are very salty. Hit the spot though, and now I'm completely stuffed and ready to go back to church where they'll be serving dinner and I won't be tempted in the least, hopefully anyway.

Funny thing - my baby girl who is 17 months, loves my green smoothies! She just learned how to drink out of a straw, and she's my little raw buddy...she's been raised almost exclusively on raw since she started eating solids, except of course the milk-based formula she had all her life after 3 months of breastfeeding. But anyway, I think it's really made a difference with her compared to the other kids - she does prefer say, a banana over a cracker which is pretty cool. But anyway, my green smoothies really aren't anything to write home about taste-wise. I mean, they're palatable and pretty easy to drink, I don't gag or anything - but especially since adding in all those superfood supplements, they're not delicious like they used to be. There's a faint hint of peaches or apples or bananas, whatever I happen to be using at the time, but mostly it's kind of a weird sort of greens taste.

She drinks them like they're a chocolate shake from McDonald's! I've even found myself wondering what I was going to eat, since she drinks like 1/4 of my entire shake! I'm obviously not going to stop giving them to her, but it's just kind of amusing - really good for her, though! I wonder how long that'll last?

I also wanted to share that I kind of had a meltdown last night. I haven't actually gone in my room, locked the door, and cried big huge sobs since I had a miscarriage in October. I'm just not really that kind of person - I am more of a "suck it up, it'll get better" type. It had to do with my looking forward to a night when DH was going to be home and we were going to have a fun family night with movies & sweets - we do this usually ever Friday night, but Daddy is not usually home to share it with us. I was kind of stressed out knowing the kids needed to get up at 7:15 this morning, which is way earlier than they're used to (2 hours early for the baby!) and they needed to go to bed early. So I wanted to start the movie way earlier.

I called him at 5:45 checking to see what his timeframe was for coming home for dinner - he co-owns a business and has very irregular, long work hours. I was hoping against hope that he'd say he was on his way home, in which case I needed him to pick up broccoli & french bread at the store to complete our dinner; it would be ready at 6:30 which is when we normally eat. He told me he was on the 9th hole of a golf game. !! I didn't really expect that, and part of me was frustrated that I was working really hard to make it a fun family night and also clean house/get dinner ready, thinking he was hard at work, and he was just playing golf. But I kept it lighthearted, asking when he'd be done: 45 minutes he said. Okay, so that works - it'd be tight, but it worked. He said he'd call when he was on his way.

6:30 rolled around and still no call, so I gave the kids their half dinner - which was just pasta, not very nutritious but oh well, they were hungry. 6:45 and then he called - by then I was just about at the end. I needed to take the kids to get the movie and I was getting really tired and it was getting late! So I told him never mind about going to the store because I was getting too tired to cook for dinner any more when he got home. So he said OK, he'd just come home. Then he called again at 7:10 and asked if it'd just be OK if his brother treated him to a burrito. I said fine, yeah, but just PLEASE come home. Then I hung up the phone, went in my room, locked the door, and just cried & cried.

I could tell it was just good to cry - my thoughts were like a huge jumble anyway - but mostly I just really needed him home at a normal hour that day. Actually every day - I sometimes can't handle him being gone so much, it feels like I have to do everything myself, and each day as my tummy grows it gets more & more overwhelming. BUT it did occur to me that I think I come across as being really capable. I am good at hiding my emotion and when I'm having a hard day, I try really hard to make things light and good for him when he comes home. I rarely seem tired or down - and so, there's no reason for him to really help, right? So partly totally my fault.

Anyway.....it felt so good to cry, even though the kids were practically banging down the door, demanding to be let in. I told them that mommy was having a hard day, that I needed to cry, and please leave me alone for a while. Ha ha, like that really made a difference, LOL! They didn't really care about that, they just didn't like being locked out. By the time DH came home, 7:45, my face was no longer swollen & red, and the kids were climbing all over me in bed (yeah, quite literally - ouch!) and he never knew I pretty much lost it.

But I do need to let him know I need a little more help now that I'm getting closer to the end, with lots of tightening braxton hicks contractions and things are getting more difficult. The last two babies I had lots of help and this time, no help at all. So I think that's kind of a culture shock for me, especially since I have more kids, although it is a HUGE help to have an 8 year old girl who can take the baby and mother her when I'm not around. I'm starting to get really overwhelmed at the thought of having six kids and like I honestly don't think I can handle it without going completely bonkers. Like flipping out and just leaving, you know? But that's kind of extreme, I don't really think that - I just feel trapped sometimes. A date with DH or an overnight stay at a hotel w/out the kids usually cures me pretty quickly.

A friend at church today reminded me (she just had baby #3, and her oldest is barely 3) that it is a distorted point of view when you think of having the next baby and you're pregnant. She said it's totally different now that she's had her baby, 5 weeks old, because the hormones aren't there and you can tolerate so much more. Plus, there's not a huge belly in the way all the time. So I'm hanging on to that - the feelings I'm feeling now, aren't really real so to speak - it WILL change for the better once the baby comes.