I am not going to whine. I am not going to complain. I had a post all written out in my head and as I came here to write it, it occured to me that what I had in mind was more of a whining and "poor me" type of attitude. No, that is not what I want. I want to be full of joy and hope for my children and for me even in my journal entries - to know that even though a morning might be full of stress and the darkness threatening to overtake me & my children...that I can rise above that and with God's help, be the sunshine that streams into all the dark places and turns everything rightside up.
Yesterday we tried to take our family pictures. I think we did just fine, at least I hope - I didn't get to see them yet. We all wore pretty matching Christmas colors and took our pictures at a gorgeous Christmas old mill setting outdoors. Brrrr. It went well - Bret & I tried really hard to be in good moods because that really seems to set the tone for our family. Not forced smiles, growling to them under our breath to SMILE when they're all teasing and about to burst into tears because we're yanking them back into the picture, lol. Not an easy task but hopefully soon I'll have a new picture to put on the top of my blog! =)
Anyway, Bret and I went our separate ways right afterwards; we were both invited to a wedding but had no babysitter so I took all the kids home.
Oh, my. For some reason as soon as we got into the car, all of them cold & in a crabby mood, it started. Actually, our photographer (my sister in law is a professional) agreed to take pictures of just Bret & I, so we quickly put the kids in the car and went out again to brave the cold and took some beautiful pictures near an old red barn with white glass paned windows. So nice, to grab that quick moment and be a "couple" again. =)
But when I opened the car door I was greeted with screaming and tears and scowls and .... wow. Even the baby was crying. I took a deep breath, turned around, and tried to calm them down by listening to his story about how she hit him, and her story about how HE was kicking her chair so it was completely justified. I am a mother bear when it comes to my babies, so I was a bit peeved that they had made the baby cried, basically scared her with their yelling.
So - preteens. This is an interesting age. I am one who has been a bit afraid of the whole teen era - looking at my sweet daughter and gosh, you can really work yourself into this whole "petrified" frame of mind when it comes to thinking about this or that bad thing that could happen. But I really have had it come to me so strongly, not to worry. To really and truly let GOD take care of my children but at the same time - to storm the gates of heaven for them. To be that Mother that is on her knees for her children to preserve them from the spirit of the world AND especially, for wisdom to work with each one. For patience....
Patience. Ah yes. Longsuffering. Love is, that.
I think that is the era I am in right now with my 10 1/2 year old preteen. There are some girls who stay little for a while longer than others. They play with polly pockets and love to write stories and read them to their moms, and .... boys? All they think of when it comes to BOYS, is that they don't want to play with them because, well, they're not girls.
We've got the other type of girl in our preteen. The type that is fascinated by makeup and nails, and takes care to fix her hair a different stylish way every single day. Clothes and shoes are MOST important and her friends at school are so important to her that she is moved to genuine tears when told she cannot do this or that with them. The TV show "Zack & Cody" is one of her favorites, although we no longer allow her to watch them. This child, is seriously, about 14 in the way she is interested in things much older than her normal age. Or maybe....maybe this is how most kids are? She's my oldest, my first to reach this age, so I don't really know.
Anyway, the thing that is heavy on my heart on this day, is the way that my sweet girl talks. My oldest, my first baby, my sweet, precious girl. Is. Not. Nice. I don't dwell on exactly what it is she is saying, because I don't want any bitterness or anger towards her to stay in my heart.
She really is a pretty girl, but lately her face has been twisted into a sneer or a smirk or just a plain old glare, most of the time. She informs me quite often that it is all my fault, whatever it is that she mad about. She mumbles mean things about me and the other children under her breath and "whatever" is one of her favorite words these days.
I just look at her, and sigh, and continue on. This morning that verse came to me, "Let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart!"
I am not going to lose heart - I thought about it on the way home from school, that the only thing that matters for ME is that I am saved. She was mad at me this morning because I didn't get the kids up early enough to get them to school before breakfast started. (I did get them up early enough but DD3 and DS1 both peed in their beds so needed quick baths, and when I did ask my preteen to help a bit she refused. Although she did get the baby up & in her carseat, so she did help some =) When the only reason I am taking them early to breakfast in the first place (as opposed to eating cereal at our house in the morning) is because she really wants to. The other kids are fine with eating at home and it requires us going about 35 minutes earlier than normal. I get this feeling of hopelessness that I can never please her and then I remember two things.
First, I am the mom and it is my decision what we are going to do - I don't do things to please her or because she's throwing a fit.
Second, no matter what she says about me or how it makes me feel when she tries to cut me down, when I feel like I am totally failing at being a Mom and she is going to turn into a horrible person because I don't know how to find that fine line between giving up my pride and not letting her get away with being mouthy, it is THE MOST important that I take the situation right and especially do not react angrily towards her. That is what is going to save my children, that I myself am being changed and worked with like clay in the potter's hand - then I will be able to change into the Mother that God wants me to be for them.
Just some ramblings of what is in my heart this morning - now I'm off to take care of my home after the weekend craziness. =)
